The mommy wars have been waged since the first ladies with
babies donned their pencil skirts and heels and took their places behind
typewriters. Decades later the debate
rages on over who makes the best kind of mom – the stay-at-home mom or the
working mom. And the battle is a bitter
one. Every Mom wants to feel like they
are doing the best for their kids, and when you call into question a major
aspect of their parenting, feelings are easily hurt and tempers often rage. Is there a best kind of mom?
The Stay-at-Home Mom
What working-from-home looks like. |
The Working Mom
Also known as the Nights & Weekends Moms, have pro’d and conned their way to the office – they do it because they have to or because they want to. Their kids may attend daycare, school, or spend days with grandparents while mom is at work. And while the kids may not get as much time with mom during the day, the separation can help them build confidence and independence. The quantity time they lack during the work week they make up with quality when they are home. They rearrange schedules, coordinate their support system for pick-ups and drop-offs, skip lunch to leave early and bargain with bosses for an afternoon off to see their kids in the holiday concert. They not only have to keep their kids and spouse happy, but their boss as well. When they put on their daughters mood ring while playing dress up, it instantly turns to the murky black color that means “stressed”. These are the moms that you find racing through the grocery store at 5PM or lingering in the empty aisles with a Starbucks long after their kids are snuggled into bed. They thrive on the least amount of sleep, they’ve got the morning routine down to a science and live off coffee with a side of guilt. Whether they have to work or they love their job, they still feel the disappointment when they miss their kids’ important moments, but they can take comfort in knowing that the people they’ve chosen to help care for their kids when they aren’t available create a special group of people that their kids can turn to and trust in addition to their parents. The working mom may argue that modern stay-at-home moms are a relatively new phenomenon – Not too long ago dishes and laundry didn’t wash themselves in fancy machines, food came from the family garden and livestock that needed constant maintenance and care, and family fun time was less pinteresty and more you feed the chickens, I’ll go pick carrots. The curse of the working mom is that no matter how hard they try, or how much they do, they still lay down to sleep wondering if they are doing enough.But What About the Work-at-Home Moms?
I’d be remiss to not mention the work-at-home moms, being one myself. I work-at-home in marketing and design with my 4 kids. Us work at home ladies have the best and worst of both worlds. Being able to work at home means more time with the kids, it also means dedicating a big part of your day to getting work done – which isn’t what the kids mind. Every day is a balancing act, every “just 5 more minutes guys” is more like 20 minutes, and every phone call is a gamble. You wonder, if I answer this, will they be quiet? Will the littlest one start screaming from the bathroom “Wipe my butt!!”? Will they undoubtedly realize you’re compromised and take that opportunity to raid the snack cupboard/color on the wall/turn the bar of soap into a mushy mess in the bathroom sink? Those answers would be Yes. Yes. And most definitely Yes. And those clients often have a knack for calling at the worst possible times. If you can clean up a poopy diaper explosion while talking email marketing with a customer, then you have the skills needed to be a work-at-home mom. And while we can make the daytime events at school, squeeze in chaperoning a field-trip now and again, and hit Target at 2PM on a Tuesday when there is practically no one else there, our schedules can be crazy. We have to give the illusion of working 9-5 for our clients – which means answering emails in the Target parking lot and making calls while your kids eat lunch. But our hours are more like 8-Noon, 2-4PM, and 8-11PM and with a little luck I manage to throw enough dishes in the dishwasher at some point to set the table for dinner. There is no turning off work or family, they intermingle and overlap, and try as you might not to work on the weekend, you’ll end up with an urgent email from a client who needs help ASAP – and because you feel like you can’t hide: “Sorry, I’m out of the office for the day” to which they say “That’s okay, I’ll wait the thirty seconds while you walk downstairs to your office.”… you take care of it. Managing your priorities with your sense of duty to both your clients and your family can be overwhelming, so you let the dishes stack up and the floor may not get swept for a day…or four, and you just hope your best is the enough for everyone counting on you.The Best Kind of Mom
If we really want to know what makes the best kind of mom, we can ignore the experts, the TV talk shows and that loud mouth mom at your kids’ school. If you want to know who the best kind of mom is – just ask your kids. I just asked my youngest and with a darling smile he said “you”. I have to agree.The best kind of mom is “You”. You – who knows which of your child’s cries means “I’m hurt” or “I’m scared” or “man, this has been long day”. You - who can spot a cold coming on just by how they are eating of the color in their cheeks. You – who can cure the hiccups with some tickles and chase away the boogie monster by snuggling them in their favorite blanket. You - who may once in a while lose your temper or not handle a tantrum just right, but You – who has the best hugs, smooches and smile to make it all okay in your kids’ world. So let’s stop worrying about what all the other moms are doing, thinking and saying, let’s not propagate these mommy wars by pointing out the differences in how we get things done and let’s just do what we know makes OUR kids feel they have the best kind of mom.