Symptoms, Diagnosis and Treatment of Cabin Fever

Escaping the fever for little bit...

In snow-bound neighborhoods throughout the country you can walk down the street and hear shouts and screams that can't even be contained by walls around where they originate. Frantic mom's with messy hair and mis-buttoned shirts press against their windows wondering if they'll ever find a way out, wondering if any of them will survive... Cabin Fever.  

SYMPTOMS
Cabin Fever is a seasonal disease, like the flu - but even the most celebrated scientists have yet to discover a vaccine to prevent the wide range of effects the fever has on the whole family.  The symptoms are easily mistaken for other common diseases - often, moms themselves are left wondering if they are losing their minds or perhaps have gone bat-shit crazy.  As anxiety ramps up, the caged animal feeling starts to creep in, women become a bit wild-eyed and snappish. Dinner becomes F'n Dinner and laundry -- F'n laundry.  Bedtimes for the offspring get earlier each night and outrageous punishments are threatened for the simplest mistakes. 

The male head of household is more immune to cabin fever than the others, especially if he works out of the house.  He may try his best to avoid the home during the term of the illness as a means of self-preservation and in all honestly a means of protecting his manhood.  Typically older males avoid the fever by finding urgent work to do in the garage/basement or at a friends house.  If a male contracts cabin fever you may find them doing death defying feats on the roof removing snow or tempting fate with stunts in pick-up trucks or snowmobiles.   If they are unable to leave the home though, the prognosis is dire.  They typically display the same symptoms as the mom of the house, but with a more annoying tone and actions.  They often overstep their bounds by commenting on how things are done in the household, which in turn severely increases the Cabin Fever behaviors of the mother.

The affected children often appear blurry - mostly because they are bouncing around so much it's hard to focus on them. The fever makes it impossible for them to control the volume of their voice and in boys increases the instances of sound effects exponentially.  Fast paced movements are common, when at the peak of the fever many children find it hard to just sit or walk. Running, jumping and flailing are commonly seen.  Children become territorial and commonly argue with siblings over established space and toys.  The longer the children are in a Cabin Fever inducing environment the more likely it is that the mother will threaten to pack them up and send them to a grandparent.

DIAGNOSIS
Diagnosing Cabin Fever is relatively simple and a trip to the clinic is usually not needed.  To see if you or your family have the disease do the following: 
1. Look out the window, is everything white?
2. Look at the thermometer, is it below 10 degrees?
3. Look at your children, do you feel the urge to run away?

If you answered yes to 2 or more of the above questions it is 100% certain that you are suffering from cabin fever.  

TREATMENT
While the only effective treatment for Cabin Fever is time+sun+warmer temps.  There are ways that you can cope with the symptoms. Many recommend charming family projects or arts and crafts, fun-ish sounding contests that end up being a mountain of work for a minute of enjoyment before the full force fallout of the child that didn't win and/or get what the other child got.  While these ideas sound delightful and the pictures of them in magazines and in pinterest are just too cute to ignore, you need to realize that you are not some adorable 50's housewife that lives and breathes for her child's happiness.  When the scissors and glue come out, you don't see potential, priceless treasures about to be made around the kitchen table.  You see weapons of mass destruction and no "FE" to go with the "MA" that has to clean it all up.   So try these instead:
1. If you can not escape the household, remove the male from the household.  Send him off for death defying feats with this friends or describe a strange sound coming from your vehicle, that should keep him busy in the garage for awhile.
2. Buy loads of clearance Christmas and Valentines candy.  If the rabid children start getting too close to you throw some toward a far away corner, that should keep them away for a bit. It won't necessarily help them, but at least you won't have to deal with them for a few minutes.
3. DVR all the children's favorite shows, when they start to burn out on candy put their shows on sneak down to the bathroom, quietly close and lock door.  Sit on edge of tub hugging yourself and rocking back and forth. 
4. Do not calculate the hours until bedtime until after 3PM.  After 3PM remind yourself how close you're getting frequently.   
5. Start the bedtime routine a few minutes earlier each night to speed up the countdown to bedtime process. If your the kids are old enough to tell time, just speed up the clocks, they probably aren't smart enough to figure that out.
6. Most Important - stay well stocked with wine and chocolate.  After the last little turd is tucked in for the night it's go time.  Just flop on the couch and breathe.

 As far as I know the world is still turning, so eventually it'll warm up and cabin fever will subside for a few months. Until then amuse yourself by making your hair crazy and pretending to claw your way out the windows when the neighbors walk by.