Symptoms, Diagnosis and Treatment of Cabin Fever

Escaping the fever for little bit...

In snow-bound neighborhoods throughout the country you can walk down the street and hear shouts and screams that can't even be contained by walls around where they originate. Frantic mom's with messy hair and mis-buttoned shirts press against their windows wondering if they'll ever find a way out, wondering if any of them will survive... Cabin Fever.  

SYMPTOMS
Cabin Fever is a seasonal disease, like the flu - but even the most celebrated scientists have yet to discover a vaccine to prevent the wide range of effects the fever has on the whole family.  The symptoms are easily mistaken for other common diseases - often, moms themselves are left wondering if they are losing their minds or perhaps have gone bat-shit crazy.  As anxiety ramps up, the caged animal feeling starts to creep in, women become a bit wild-eyed and snappish. Dinner becomes F'n Dinner and laundry -- F'n laundry.  Bedtimes for the offspring get earlier each night and outrageous punishments are threatened for the simplest mistakes. 

The male head of household is more immune to cabin fever than the others, especially if he works out of the house.  He may try his best to avoid the home during the term of the illness as a means of self-preservation and in all honestly a means of protecting his manhood.  Typically older males avoid the fever by finding urgent work to do in the garage/basement or at a friends house.  If a male contracts cabin fever you may find them doing death defying feats on the roof removing snow or tempting fate with stunts in pick-up trucks or snowmobiles.   If they are unable to leave the home though, the prognosis is dire.  They typically display the same symptoms as the mom of the house, but with a more annoying tone and actions.  They often overstep their bounds by commenting on how things are done in the household, which in turn severely increases the Cabin Fever behaviors of the mother.

The affected children often appear blurry - mostly because they are bouncing around so much it's hard to focus on them. The fever makes it impossible for them to control the volume of their voice and in boys increases the instances of sound effects exponentially.  Fast paced movements are common, when at the peak of the fever many children find it hard to just sit or walk. Running, jumping and flailing are commonly seen.  Children become territorial and commonly argue with siblings over established space and toys.  The longer the children are in a Cabin Fever inducing environment the more likely it is that the mother will threaten to pack them up and send them to a grandparent.

DIAGNOSIS
Diagnosing Cabin Fever is relatively simple and a trip to the clinic is usually not needed.  To see if you or your family have the disease do the following: 
1. Look out the window, is everything white?
2. Look at the thermometer, is it below 10 degrees?
3. Look at your children, do you feel the urge to run away?

If you answered yes to 2 or more of the above questions it is 100% certain that you are suffering from cabin fever.  

TREATMENT
While the only effective treatment for Cabin Fever is time+sun+warmer temps.  There are ways that you can cope with the symptoms. Many recommend charming family projects or arts and crafts, fun-ish sounding contests that end up being a mountain of work for a minute of enjoyment before the full force fallout of the child that didn't win and/or get what the other child got.  While these ideas sound delightful and the pictures of them in magazines and in pinterest are just too cute to ignore, you need to realize that you are not some adorable 50's housewife that lives and breathes for her child's happiness.  When the scissors and glue come out, you don't see potential, priceless treasures about to be made around the kitchen table.  You see weapons of mass destruction and no "FE" to go with the "MA" that has to clean it all up.   So try these instead:
1. If you can not escape the household, remove the male from the household.  Send him off for death defying feats with this friends or describe a strange sound coming from your vehicle, that should keep him busy in the garage for awhile.
2. Buy loads of clearance Christmas and Valentines candy.  If the rabid children start getting too close to you throw some toward a far away corner, that should keep them away for a bit. It won't necessarily help them, but at least you won't have to deal with them for a few minutes.
3. DVR all the children's favorite shows, when they start to burn out on candy put their shows on sneak down to the bathroom, quietly close and lock door.  Sit on edge of tub hugging yourself and rocking back and forth. 
4. Do not calculate the hours until bedtime until after 3PM.  After 3PM remind yourself how close you're getting frequently.   
5. Start the bedtime routine a few minutes earlier each night to speed up the countdown to bedtime process. If your the kids are old enough to tell time, just speed up the clocks, they probably aren't smart enough to figure that out.
6. Most Important - stay well stocked with wine and chocolate.  After the last little turd is tucked in for the night it's go time.  Just flop on the couch and breathe.

 As far as I know the world is still turning, so eventually it'll warm up and cabin fever will subside for a few months. Until then amuse yourself by making your hair crazy and pretending to claw your way out the windows when the neighbors walk by.

7 Ways to Ruin Your Child's Dinner

Kids can be picky eaters, as most moms know. Having four kids I've got pretty much the spectrum of eaters -- from my veggie-fied 3rd child who will head to the garden for a snack, to my finicky 2nd born who says he doesn't like anything but pizza and tacos. The other two have their likes and major dislikes and when it comes to dinner it's almost guaranteed I won't be able to make everyone happy.  I'm so good at dinner fails I thought I may as well share my sure-fire ways to ruin dinner:

1. Put Onions in it.
No matter how tiny they are chopped, if one tasty little translucent piece of onion is spotted, our table looks like the clocked ended on "Chopped".  Everyone with their hands up, backing away from the table.  Onions are the #1 dinner ruining ingredient in our house with peppers and tomatoes tied for 2nd. 

2. Serve it on the Wrong Color Plate.
Sometimes dinner is ruined before any food is eaten, simply because it's served on the wrong color plate, with a fork that doesn't have enough stripes or because the child is not sitting in his desired spot at the table. Thank goodness for paper plates, finger foods and seating arrangements. 

3. Fake the Refried Beans:

Sometimes I come up with a brilliant idea for dinner (I know! Tacos! Everyone loves those!) and I set about making them only to discover I have no refried beans, a M-U-S-T on taco night in our house.  So I do what I have to do -- you dig a can of black beans out of the back of the cupboard and smash them into a purple mush, Hmpf... I add some cheddar to try and "brown" it up and realize... I'm not fooling anyone. 

4. Taco Night Ruined Take 2.
Even if you have refried beans in stock - there are other ways to ruin taco night, for example you could brown your beef and while seasoning, mistake cayenne for chili powder and dump a good tablespoon of it in the meat.  The end result is some really hot tacos, a two year old chanting "too spicy! too spicy!" after every bite and half a gallon of milk gone in one sitting.  

5. To Cook or Not to Cook that is the question.

Our pickiest eater believes he is allergic to vegetables - but occasionally he will eat them if they are prepared right, the problem -- sometimes the preferred method is cold and sometimes he likes them cooked.  Unfortunately I'm not that great a cooking veggies, so they usually end up somewhere in between, hot - but not quite cooked enough.  This one is impossible to win! 

6. Ingredient Limit: 1
The whole concept of cooking is to combine ingredients and flavors to create something delicious - but for some reason the kids prefer each ingredient in it's own glory. How many melt downs could I have avoided if I'd just remembered to put the meat sauce on the side instead of on the noodles.  How much time have I wasted picking the chicken out of enchiladas or the separating the rice from the meat and veggies in an MN staple hotdish.  And every kid knows you can put the hotdog or hamburger in the bun, but you still need to take them apart to eat them, right?

7. Over Promise and Under Deliver

This one doesn't happen often, but when it does it's catastrophic. Picture this -- the kids are on edge from Dad being away on a business trip and to keep their spirits up I promise dinner out on Taco Tuesday at the little Bar & Grille in our small town.  (It is literally the only place to eat here, we're a one bar, 3 church town).  I pick them up from school and head to the restaurant, the parking lot is empty and it looks pretty dark inside. I pull up to the door and there's a new sign.  New hours for the slow season. (Sept - March... when we all hibernate in Minnesota).  They are 100% closed on Mondays (this I knew) but also Taco Tuesdays!  I start to panic knowing the fallout from this could require FEMA, I tell the kids - oops they are closed! And get a resounding wail from the 4 little people in the back.  Cries of "NO!!" and just plain, loud, ear-piercing crying were the soundtrack to the ride home (luckily, only a few miles).  I actually had all the taco ingredients on hand - but having them at home just isn't the same. Dinner ruined again.

Luckily with the few meals that do go off without a hitch and all the goodness that is packed in to Flintstones vitamins, my kids are still thriving.  Now that I'm not a dinner ruining beginner, finding new ways to make "the worst dinner ever, Mom!!!" is kind of a thrill. Bon Appetit!

The Steely Sweetness of Motherhood

 "Two Mothers" by Leon Maxime Faivre 1888
(I added the undies for a facebook post)

It's amazing the transformation that takes place when your first baby is placed in your arms.  Whether you were the quiet girl, prissy girl, bitchy girl.... any kind of girl before becoming a mom, we all turn into the woman in this 1888 painting, "Two Mothers" by Leon Maxime Faivre.

I stumbled upon this painting while googling something for a client and it caught me.  I looked at it and instantly felt a connection.  I went back to work, but I needed to see it again. I found a better version and looked at it some more and I felt like she was me.  The image I've shared here is one that I added undies to so I could share it with my friends on facebook. (they frown on boobies and little boy parts).  But if anything, it makes her even more me... and here's why:

At first glance I could relate in that I often look this disheveled when I leave the home with my kids.  But beyond that was the transformation I mentioned, that moment you gaze on your child's face and you know you will love them and tenderly hold them forever - but also that you would go to any length to protect them. You magically become this ball of mush, yet as strong and resilient as steel at the same time.

I love how she holds her children in one arm, curving her body around them, while the other arm grips an ax ready to battle the shadowy beast approaching from distance. In the easy living days of the 21st century, I rarely have to battle actual beasts (though we have had a bear in our yard... so maybe some day) but she is the perfect metaphor for all I do protect my children from - broken hearts, bedroom boogie monsters, dangerous strangers, the list goes on.

The beauty of motherhood - or maybe the super power of motherhood, is that we gain the ability to harness a steely, rage-ful strength toward an enemy, while still projecting that enduring love and tenderness to our kids.

I also love that this painting makes me feel the role of a mother has not changed since the caveman days.  As a mom I fret over whether I'm doing everything right, I think most moms feel the same way.  This painting gives me hope... if we protect and love our kiddos with the same passion as our cave woman ancestors the human race will survive until neon pink bras and cartoon undies look as old as an animal hide dress.

The Mental Disorganization Known as Motherhood

Every year my New Year's resolutions have a similar theme, 2011: Simplify... 2012: Organize... 2013: Simplify (again, for real this time!!).  But with a business and a pack of kids... things just can not really be simple, and it would take more brain/will/physical power than I possess to organize this giant casserole that is my life.  So for 2014, I decided to get real, "Realistic" actually.  I made it facebook official that my resolution this year is -- to be realistic. 

Living in the boonies, and not really having another adult to converse with for most of the day gives you lots of time to think, observe and analyze your life.  I ponder our casserole life in the shower, while trying to fall asleep, while being captain minivan on yet another adventure to Target.  Metaphorically I consider things like does our life casserole have too many noodles? Should I have used rice?  Does it need more liquid? Green beans or peas? or corn?!  Cream of Mushroom or Cream of Chicken?  There are so many variables and potential outcomes, it's mind boggling to the point of being a mental disorder -- "The Mental Disorganization Known as Motherhood" or MDKM. 

For just one brief window, I'd like to have it all together.  I'd love to sink into the couch with a glass of wine and say to myself "It's all done and practically perfectly! Bravo!" 

Instead I curl into my couch corner with my planner and notepad and make lists and highlight things and circle things and trace things over and over.  And when I've got a good stack of lists and a glass too much wine, I may accidently let them mingle and make baby lists.  "Pack the suitcase" turns into a 6 person chart with checkboxes of clothing and personal hygiene items.  "Grocery shop" turns into a full notebook page of planned meals and groceries needed organized by department and aisle (as best as I can remember).    It sounds like I've really got it together, but making the list is the easy part. Remembering to bring it to the store... whole 'nother story. In fact, even when I do remember to use them, the drilled down lists just make a simple task like "Pack the suitcase" seem like climbing Mount Everest.  A stubborn case of the MDKM.

As a mom your head has to be in the full "ON" position, all the time.  You have to remember every school event and deadline, lunch money, nature club, homework, favorite shirt needed for favorite shirt day, that the kids need to drink Kool-Aid for dinner because there's only enough for breakfast cereal... why do we live 20 minutes from the nearest gas station?!  And no matter how many lists or good intentions, you'll forget something -- why just today I walked my three oldest kids to the bus.  The youngest is 4, the temperature was 9 degrees and snow with high winds was the forecast.  Yet, he's waiting for the bus without a hat or scarf!  (He had 2 pairs of mittens though!)  Luckily he has a hood on his jacket and I gave him my scarf to wear -- but how did I not notice that until we were waiting for the bus?  Probably because I spent the whole morning making sure everyone was dressed "Do you have socks?" "Do you have socks?" "Do you have socks" Socks. Check.  Jake eat the crunch part of the Lucky Charms too! Luke drink your milk!! Layna where's your hairbrush... and what time is it --- we've got 5 minutes!!  MDKM.   

So "being realistic" seems like a resolution I can keep.  Realistically one of the kids will not be dressed right for the weather.  I may have to write the lunch money check while running my kids down the driveway (it's long!) for the bus.  I might pack my son's sandwich in the Disney Princess sandwich keeper thing and I might not have a clean house, ever - not even for a tiny bit. But being realistic and admitting that makes me feel a little like I have my crap together, allowing me to accept my Mental Disorder Known as Motherhood diagnosis and treat it frequently with wine and snuggles from the kids and hubby.  Realistically, 2014 should be just fine.

One Mom. Full Hands.

We live in the country. And as I mentioned before my husband works a lot. If I want groceries, diapers, the occasional large hazelnut iced coffee from McDonald’s, it’s a 45 minute trip to town, just me and the kiddos.

And because my business PO Box is in town, we make the trek two to three times a week. Usually we hit the grocery store one day and Target the next trip getting the required essentials and equally necessary impulse buys. Without fail, for the last, well 4 years, when my first son was born, I’ve had someone tell me each time I’m in town, that I have “My hands full”. My first and second are only 18 months apart – so it looked like I would be busy, but really it’s nothing compared to now.

This weekend, leaving Sam’s Club – pushing a cart with one hand, two year old in the seat, as I carry my, yes, 20lb 6 month old in the other arm, and my 4 and 5 year olds flank each side of the cart, making my one handed steering near impossible. I hear, again, not even directed to me, but to the two people this woman was shopping w/ “She has her hands full”, prompting her co-shoppers to look our way. Don’t they know Mom’s have bionic ears? We parade by, the circus side show that we are.

Hearing this phrase so often, I’ve started to wonder what these people “mean” when they say this. It’s one of those phrases that is neither nice or rude. Kind of a weird statement of my existence w/o and support or criticism of it. And I’m usually left wondering how to reply. I’m guessing the lady that said it to her shopping friends meant it as more as “Check out the crazy chic w/ 4 kids!” Generating the same amount of interest and excitement as seeing a farm animal crossing a busy road. Kind of a “who let them out of their pen” sort of thing. Other times, especially when it comes from the little old ladies, I think it said w/ a “been there done that” sort of vibe. A little knowing smile and a wave to the kids. Gives me a bit of reassurance that someday, I will actually be able to shop on my own again. I maybe gray and have cat fur on me, but damn it, I’ll be buying Depends on my own!

I really just find it so odd that people have to comment at all. And if so, why not something with some value. For example – Maybe tell me that my kids are cute, or that you had 4 and you survived, or how it’s nice to see someone with so many young kids have them be so well behaved in public. Or… if they must – tell me that condoms are in aisle 12, or clown car parking is in the back of the store.

I converse with children all day. I really don’t get much exciting news to talk about with other adults. I would welcome an unusual comment… a story to tell… something to write in my diary. Please! My husband and friends are sick of hearing about the crazy things my kids tell me Phineas and Ferb are doing. Next time you see someone shopping with a herd of kids – throw them a “Dang Girl! You gotta lot kids!” At least then I can reply with a “I know! WTF huh?!”

Welcome!

Welcome to my new "I think I have time for this" project. I really know that I don't have time for this... but we'll see what happens.

A little background - I'm Angie - a wife, a business owner and a mom.

My husband works a lot, I work from home at my marketing/graphic design business and we have 4 kids. All under 6 years old. My mom, who also has 4 kids (I'm the oldest), told me -- after #3, not to do it. But, the stars and a few too many vodka cranberries aligned to make baby #4, currently an almost 6 month old with a 2 distinct moods, happy and royally pissed off. I guess I might be a bit miffed if I was last in line for everything too, and in all fairness he has to be loud to be heard around here.

I've always wanted to blog, I actually have one for my business, but it seems like work... too much researchy-ness not enough B.S. so I don't do much w/ that one. This seems more like a hobby, and now that my hubby is working a crazy 3 shift rotation, I find myself with many a lonely boring night after the kiddos are asleep. So this will be my excuse not to do the dishes once in a while.

My idea behind this blog is to share some tidbits (helpful or not) about parenting and all the things those experienced parents forgot to mention when you announced you were trying for #1.

Here's my first tidbit -- they didn't forget. Especially if the experienced parents you know are the friends that used to join you on your fun weekends out, last minute trips here and there or sleeping in on any day off work. Trust me they didn't forget. And while they are probably truely happy for you and your so-to-be new addition. They didn't tell you this stuff because secretly they are so happy they no longer have hear about all the fun you're having while they are at home burping, changing, potty training etc.

After you have the kid, you'll find their are two types of parents. To keep it easy... there are REAL PARENTS and there are "CRAZY COMPETITIVE THIS IS MY DREAM COME TRUE MY CHILDREN ARE ALWAYS ANGELS AND MY HOUSE IS ALWAYS CLEAN" parents, otherwise known as "DELUSIONAL PARENTS" . The "real parents" will be a great asset for you - while the delusional ones will be a source of entertainment. No one can be a perfect parent, and even if you think you are - when your kids grow up they will tell you differently. Best to not try too hard and just enjoy the chaos that children bring with them.

As you might have figured, I'm in the real parent group - and this blog will showcase all the "realness" you could ever want. Hopefully, I'll find time to write more soon!